Less then I am..

I have over the past 4 years had 3 attempted relationships that have failed horribly. Sometimes I wonder to myself if I will ever find to love…will I ever be happy with someone again? I began taking “depressing” Portraits to get my point across but yet encouraging others all at the same time…16142898_1388396294538714_7025336100080086854_n

 I have recently found myself excepting any Guy I can get out of desperation to fill the emptiness that has been within me this past year.  I am not proud of the person I have become because I know I have better morals then the morals I was displaying for all those to see.
When I was younger (even though I was always sick), I was the happiest girl in the world. I hated nobody, encouraged others and had everyone as my friends. I had no reason to complain because I had an amazing life. In life we always want more then what we already have. I am a very content, happy, sarcastic, friendly person. I don’t get angry quickly and everyone is my friend. But I’ve come to notice that when I have something wrong or I’m excited about something I have no one to tell because I don’t have a “BFF”.  In the last couple of months I have gotten desperate to find “My Person” a friend or a lover. Someone who I can tell my stories and pain to. Someone to give me a big hug and say “Hang in there Bex, it will all be okay!!”
Ive asked myself over and over after my ex once said “mmm Maybe one day after you get your license we can date, it would be a lot easier!” Is my Seizures really getting in the way of me ever having a good relationship? Surely people who cant drive date all the time..
-I found this coffee cup once at Walmart-

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   Ive come to the realization that life isn’t all about dating, it is about living life for God and if he has a man set aside one day for me then I will be willing to wait. God knows my future, I do not.
In the bible God tells us …
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
      — Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)

I have slowly found my answer for my Love. I hope you do too.
If anyone is ever looking to talk or need a prayer request please let me know. I would love to get to know you and pray for you!

Beca

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My biggest struggle..

In my life I’ve had many struggles…most of them sounded like “No Beca, you cant do that”, “No late nights so you don’t have seizures”, “No caffeine”, Memory loss, and the worst one yet…”No Driving”. I’ve tried over and over to always stay positive and happy thru whatever got thrown at me. Sometimes its just difficult when you always get asked “Why don’t you drive?”, “How old are you? Shouldn’t you be driving?” and “Why are you having to get your GED?” I so badly just wanna say “Well, I just wasn’t smart enough to graduate high school”. I have been 2 years behind in school all my life due to my struggles of Seizures when I was a kid. I’m not proud of it, but it is just my way of life.

I have been blessed with wonderful friends the past 3 years that have always been my “personal Taxi’s” when needed and encourage me to be myself every day of my life. I truly don’t know where I would be right now without the support of my family and friends.

Thanks, for reading one of today’s blogs!
Here is a picture of me today rocking my overalls!

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Intro

Hello, my name is Beca and I want to thank you for taking the time to read my blog. A little about my self is I am 20, Christian and graduated from my home (I was homeschooled) in 2015. 

I have always accepted that I’ve had seizures but I’ve never really been open to discuss them with others. Therefore i have only talked to my parents about my struggles. 
Here is how it all started. 

When I was little I was an all A student in kindergarten and 1st grade. I know, easy grades so no surprise there. But, when I was in 2nd grade my parents noticed I was starting to fail in school. I was also forgetting things, losing control of my body, and losing any train of  thought I had 2 minutes before my “black out”. I was constantly being asked “Beca, please continue reading.” And I would always reply “what was I doing?” Followed by “where was I? Which page was I on?” My parents became very concerned as to what was going on, therefore they had a talk with my teacher. She told my parents she would keep an eye out for me. But she also has 20 other kids so she couldn’t just watch me. 

Later that year my parents took me to the Dr.  I got an Ambulatory E.E.G. and had to come back within 2 weeks. My Dr told my parents I have “Petit Mal Epilepsy” also known as “Silent Seizures”  I was right away put on a drug called “Divalproex” also known as “Depakote”. It is a strong medication so I had to slowly start taking it. At first nothing was going wrong and things were starting to be normal again. Then within a week of being on this Medication I started puking. Every single night from an alergic reaction to the  medication. The dr told my parents and I that we will most likely never take that one ever again. She then put me on “Kepra” which did no good. At this point I was having 4 minute long seizures about 100 times a day. I finished my 2nd grade school year and my parents decided to homeschool me the following year to make sure they could keep an eye on me at all times. 

I had a 1 and a half year old sister and a newly born brother. He was the king. The only boy and the baby of the family! Man, I loved him to pieces! One day he was crying, so I decided to pick him up and bring him to our mom. The next thing I knew my mom was in front of me and I heard a baby screaming at the top of his lungs. But I couldn’t locate him. I was so scared when I found him under the couch. I was so scared thinking “What did I do!!???” My mom told me I had dropped him during a seizure and that I could no longer hold him while walking around. This still haunts me to this very day. 

By 4th grade we got a new Dr. he had me go get blood work done and get ANOTHER E.E.G. And wear it home for 2 days! My dr got a good look on what needed to be done and right away put me on “Zeroton”.  It started with 1 pill, then a month later it was 2 pills and then we took a year break from uping my medication to check my levels and get my E.E.G. Again. I was starting to have less seizures so we knew it was working. A month later it became 3 pills, then 4 and then 5. At the moment I was maxed out. I was on the highest dosage of Zeroton that anyone can handle. So I got my levels and E.E.G. done again. I was still having them. I was always told “With Puberty she can grow out of them!” Yea, that didn’t happen. 

When I was 13 I noticed something really cool. I knew when I had a seizure! I officially knew after I had one because I felt like “I just missed the last 30 seconds of what you were saying”! I was put on one other medication to go with the Zeroton, but sadly I can’t remember what it was called. It left me feeling like I was going blind and couldn’t see. Everything was blurry. I got an eye test done and they said my eyes were 100% perfect and that it was highly possible that the new medication my Dr put me on was making my vision blurry. 

When I was 15 we made the huge decision to try Depakote one more time now that my body matured a little more. Within the first month I was totally off of 1,750 mg Zeroton a day and totally switched over to 250mg of Depakote a day. I went from around 75 seizures a day to 50. So we got levels done and a E.E.G.! We were all clear that it was helping! With in 2 years I was switched over to 1,500mg of Depakote a day and down to 5 seizures a day that were only 30 seconds long. My dr was at his limit on Depakote. I had a decision to make. Keep going or stop and deal with the few seizures I have a day. I thought to myself “I haven’t been putting up with this for 8 years to give up now!” So I kept going. I was put on “Lamictol” only 50Mg a day and got another E.E.G done. 

June 20, 2014… this day was a huge day for me. This day was the day I went to the dr and had my first job interview (I was 17). My Dr told me “You are having Glitches, it is technically not long enough to say it’s a seizure so you are having none.” I remember thinking “FINALLY! This is all over!!” My Dr reminded me though that my 2 year count of being seizure free started that day. In the State of Indiana you have to go 2 years without having a seizure to be able to get your license. 

Oh! I also got the job!!! I was 17, seizure free, had a job and a senior. Life couldn’t get better!

My whole world got shaken on June 16, 2016. I had some seizures. I was so mad! I was 4 days away from being 2 years! I am currently taking 1,500 mg of Depakote and 150mg of Lamictal and have had no seizures ever since. 

I take everyday that I can get. I’ve learned over time that it isn’t about when and what everyone else is doing. Everyone has their dreams, some want to college and I just wanted to be seizure free. I am currently waiting 1 year until I can drive. 

Thanks for reading. Please feel free to share with others. 

Hope I didn’t bore you. 

Your friend, Beca